Ralph: The Henosis Through The Heart's Desires
by Eogrus
Summary: Ralph finds enlightment


Ralph was drinking a hot chocolate in a Game Central Station cafe. It was dark and sweet, just like his life. Suddenly, Vanellope appeared with a dubious character: she was holding hands with The Swizz!

"Hi Ralph" she said with much uncharacteristic unironic sweetness.

"Hey" said the Swizz too.

"I thought you guys hated each other?" asks Ralph grumply.

"Nah, everything s good now. Now that he has his memories fixed, and now that Sugar Rush is a democracy, we can be together!" Vanellope says, more happy than she has the right to be.

"Would you like a hot chocolate, mon amour?" says Swizzle affectionately.

"Oui oui!" agrees Vanellope with much romance, and both kiss passtionately.

Ralph does not like this development. Vanellope is a little sister to him nobody can touch her but him . let alone a candy boy of bulliful past!

"I m going to go now. You guys have fun."

But they don t care: they are still kissing passionately, and they begin to undress each other! Ralph cannot contain himself, and vomits viciously upon the couple, unleashing torrents of acidic green and digested cakes, beef, woodland vegetation, croissants, bananas and Kratos penis. The violent torrent of putrid enzymes is most hazardous to the pervert midget couple, melting them alive! First the flesh begins to bubble and slide off, exposing the bloody red of the flesh, which becomes a pink paste that begins to slide off as well!

"AH RALPH WHY YOU DO THIS I WILL HAVE REVENGE ON YOU!" screams a Vanellope in agony, before her louds screams are reduced to painfully, whimpering mutters, and nothing of her is left but white, pearl-like bone.

Ralph is horrified! He just melted two people alive, one of them his dearest friend. He hugs the bleached skeleton holding her remains tight to his heart as he sobs.

"Vanellope . no ."

Suddenly, he feels a hand in his shoulder. He turns around, and sees Nathan Drake, offering a sympathetic but grim look.

"Ralph, you are both inoccent and miasmic in this" he says philosophically, "You must redeem yourself by emancipating yourself from your sins!"

Ralph nods, and follows the sexy hunk into an alley. The man points to a door, which he opens. Inside is an orange light lit room filled with incenses and finds from Nathan s adventures. A white, linen-covered bed lies in the center.

"Lie there Ralph. We will begin now."

Ralph lies, and Nathan climbs on top of him, kissing him passionately. They remove each other s shirts, Nathan returning to kiss Ralph, now on the left cheek. The bigger, more muscular man moans softly, already feeling the rosaceous light of love cleanse him from the miasma of murder. The two shirtless men passionately kiss each other and pass their hands and arms through each other s torsos, feeling the mutual adonic design of their muscular bodies. Suddenly, Nathan takes out a taser and electrocutes Ralph s nipples!

"AAAHHHH WHY DID YOU DOD THAT FOR!?"

"We must release you of your sins, Ralph. Only after the devils of your flesh are destroyed will you achieve inner peace."

Ralph whimpers as his manbuds are viciously striken and slaughtered, the flesh blackening as it becomes charred, bubbling necrotic gases. But with said gases, the daimones are anihilated, ascending forcefully out of the body, their dog heads barking blasphemies against the Monad all the way. Nathan was right. He then moves the taser to Ralph s left ear, the cartiladge conducting the shocks all the way to the skull bone with vicious effectiveness. Ralph s head is electrified, vicious surges of electricity passing from one ear to another via the skull, in turn frying the brain. Ralph is reduced to his animalistic, primal desires, and roars, expelling more devils out of his system.

"Yes, it is working! Ralph, you will soon find henosis!"

But enlightment is not always benevolent light can also burn can also cause cancer and Ralph rips Nathan s pants off! He flips over, now laying atop the nude man. Ralph grins an evil grin, and takes off his own pants, revealing a twelve inch, thick circumsized cock with a large head, oozing precum liberally. He inserts it at full force in Nathan s rectum, who screams in agony, then in vicious pleasure as the fast fuckery stimulates his prostate beyond his wildest dreams.

"Oh Ralph, your ascension is nearing, what with a penis so divine!"

But Ralph isn t having any of that, and bites Nathan s nape, his teeth digging down all the way to the vertebrae. This messes up with the nerveous system around the spine, and Nathan s limbs twich viciously in all directions like an insane madman! Bloody diarrhea goes down his bowels, in such forceful gusts that it enters Ralph s penis! The hot, red bowels lava is too much for Ralph s primordial urethra, and as he approaches his climax the penis explodes in a shower of blood and cum, triggering Nathan s own orgasm by the prostate.  
This is the final drop on his already screwed nervous system, however, and he is rendered paraplegic by the experience.

Thankfully, the taser enters in contact with the blood, sending a vicious, flesh melting-shock that spares both men from their predicted slow doom.

Ralph awakens. He is in the supramundane spheres of Platonic discourse, all the gods sorrounding him.

"Ralph, you have have ascended the perilous strife of metempsychotic insanity" says Athena pythagorically, "You are ready to be one with God."

Ralph does not know what to say. He has reached the pincale of existence, he has ascended beyond the mortal realms of tortuous demiurgism, he has become a deity of his own right, ready to join the primal Logos from which all emanate. But he is unsatisfied. God is nothing without his friends and his one true love

But Helios notices, and places a warm hand on the gorilla man s shoulder. Just as the light of the Sun reveals the mundane world, so did his light reveal the ascended souls of Ralph s friends. Vanellope, Felix, Calhoun, Nathan, Swizzle, they are all there, smilling warmly at him.

"Took you long enough" says Vanellope.

"But how are you all here?"

"Turns out reason and introspection alone are enough to ascend" says Calhoun.

Ralph smiles. And and his loved ones all bear hands, and follow the gods to the Monad s all brilliant domain. 


End file.
